"Disabled" and "Elderly?"

Two dispicable words: Disabled and Elderly. I have to accept "disabled" and am working on "elderly." My mind feels young, so feeling old only comes from my body. And "elderly" sounds so much older than just plain OLD.

There are many kinds of arthritis. I have the enteropathic kind. The kind that doesn't damage your joints. It hurts all over instead of in just a few joints. Osteoarthritis is when the cartilage between your joints and spine deteriorates. Yes, like a car or a vacuum cleaner or any other mechanical device, your body wears out. Like hearts. Only the medical profession can replace your heart. But not your bones or the cartilage between them. Maybe they will learn to grow cartilage someday and bone too. But not in MY lifetime.

I have battled arthritis for 6 years or so. I have tried biological drugs, ibuprofen (Advil), acetamenophen (Tylenol), naprosin (Aleve), hydrocodone (Vicoden) and oxycodone (Oxycontin) with varying degrees of success. But masking the pain doesn't help or get rid of the root problem.

So my doc told me to do back strengthening exercises which will help my bones to support my back better and I guess will prevent further deterioration. OK, I HATE exercise. It is boring BORING BORING!!!

But that night I began the exercises. After going home from the doc's hearing nothing new and feeling depressed enough to feel sorry for myself and cry for myself. So I have to accept the "disabled" label I guess.
Which means I have to continue to live on social security only. It means I won't be making extra money so I can meet my friends for lunch, so I can buy gifts for my grandkids on their birthdays. or just for fun once in a while. It means I won't be traveling anywhere ever again. It means my life is very VERY different from the one I had planned for myself.

But I am alive.

Like a newborn

Last night was three wake-ups by my elderly dog (13) who lets me know that she needs me by whining.  First I hear her jump down off the bed and then it is the regular crying.  My dreams are put on hold and I get up, slip my feet into my laceless sneakers, get my coat on, leash up Nikki and shamble outside so Nikki can do her thing. Sometimes that works and sometimes, since I don't speak Dog I have no idea what she wants. I try the outside thing and then food.  Sometimes one or the other works. Sometimes I have no idea.

Last night was a low sleep night.  Three wake ups. And as luck would have it I am on point to babysit my bright, energetic and demanding grandkids tonight.  That will be the good part of my day.  They speak English much better than my dog Nikki so they can tell me what they need. They are so cute. Joe is VERY good at entertaining himself and can help, even holding Max while he goes to sleep.   Lucy always has so much to tell me and if Max needs anything he just takes my hand and leads me to the item in question and points. He communicates very well with few words. Like I said, they are very bright kids. So I am looking forward to a night with little ones who have needs but can communicate them. How refreshing!

Lucy Ballerina

I was invited to Lucy's ballet class, the one where parents and loved ones (I think I was the only grandma there) get to watch. It was delightful and I took some video on my new camera and it performed as well as Lucy did.

If you listen closely at the end you hear Max's little voice saying, "Down?" 

NY's Res #2 Making money....Maybe not

I have to say I do walk more now. So NY's resolution #1 is alive and well. But NY's resolution #2 was pretty much dead on arrival, although good intentions were behind it.  The thing is I can feel pretty well for days, maybe even weeks, but I never know when those bads days come, and they come oftener than I would wish, especially in winter.

As my friend Molly said on iVillage.com "that's the thing about RA(rheumatoid arthritis) or many other chronic diseases -- you never know from one day to the next how you're going to feel. One day you can be fairly normal and the next you can't get out of bed. Employers won't stand for that, not in this job market particularly.  Trying to get even a part-time job when you have a condition that dictates that you'll be missing at least some amount of time isn't conducive to being hired.  It's a little different if you already have a job because there are some protections given by the ADA, but even then, if you can't perform your job for long periods of time, you're likely to be in the unemployment line."  

She is so right, and those good days can make you think maybe you really can do things.  Maybe you are going to be better now, maybe it all went away. Maybe you can have a more "normal" life.  But "normal" is really a relative term, isn't it? 

One thing I can do is rise to the occasion when I am asked to spend some quality time with my grandchildren, Joe, Lucy and Max.  It is usually only once or twice a week and I can and do get it together, no matter how I felt earlier in the day, to play with them, feed them, hold them and attend to their needs.  I look forward to it.  They raise my happy level.

Shots from a birthday

Yesterday, January 14, was Birthday number 4 for my favorite little girl LUCY. A big cake with Alice in Wonderland theme, made with strawberries and blueberries by her Aunt Merry.

A VERY happty little girl who liked her cake. Check out the black lips and the red rose in her mouth.

Daddy with his Bubs.

and his babies